Esther Sham: Rising Phoenix

After Esther Sham gave birth to her second son – AT – in 2015, she went back to work within five days. Her restaurant, Maison Es in Wan Chai's Starstreet Precinct, was set to open then; but essential décor was held at the shipyards; construction was delayed and riddled with mistakes. The Fire Department and Police were on her back every day.

For 10 months, Esther braved on, seesawing from disgruntlement and numbness towards every detail of what had been a much-anticipated passion project. Depression seized her, but she was convinced her strong willpower – not medication – would eventually overcome her demons.

"I knew what was going on in my head so I was confident I could regain control, but I had no hobby, no exercise routine, no social life," she said. "I was soulless."

"By the beginning of 2016, I wanted to end my life."

Esther is the youngest of three to a businessman father who'd spoil her with luxuries like a Prada bag at 10 years old. Her mother, however, believed in tough love, whereby concern and encouragement manifested in belittlement and scorn. Though her attitude has since improved and the mother-daughter bond is now closer than ever, Esther admits that her upbringing has resulted in her low self-esteem, unrelentless strength and a "constant need to prove [herself]".

"We still enjoy hour-long phone chats here and there now; but for the longest time, I felt that she never believed in me – no matter what I did," she said.

After receiving a degree in contemporary art in Los Angeles, the 5ft8 Esther returned to Hong Kong with a career in modelling, landing gigs around the world and, with them, opportunities to dine in Michelin-starred restaurants that ignited her passion for food. In 2007, she exchanged her glitzy life on the catwalk for a job at the reception counter at L' Atelier de Joel Robuchon in Hong Kong. She still remembers the menial salary then: HK$11,000.

"My legs were so swollen from hours of standing that I couldn't zip my boots up at the end of my shift. A friend – no, acquaintance at best – blatantly ignored me when he walked by the restaurant once, presumably shameful of how low I've stooped in life to take on a job as a restaurant receptionist. But I didn't care, I wanted to open my own restaurant so I needed to absorb as much as I could about restaurant operations," she said. "In hindsight, I learned a lot at Robuchon that went beyond my job duties. Since I stood at the main and only entrance to the restaurant, I got to meet plenty of food suppliers, learned from the chefs and even eavesdropped on the manager's business conversations next door over – he just never closed his office door!"

In 2008, Ta Pantry was born. Within the private kitchen tucked in an apartment next to today's Maison Es, she filled the six-seater space with Fois Gras steamed egg, tuna three-way and sea urchin pasta in the inaugural, Japanese-fusion menu, "Le Japonais". Business was good, but Esther believed she still had much room for improvement.

"So, I wrote a letter recommending myself to work at French restaurant Amber at Landmark Oriental. When that was done, I closed my private kitchen to learn the ropes in the kitchens of Relais Louis XIII in Paris and then Le Jardin des Sens in Montepellier in the South of France: it was the wildest time of my life," Esther reminisced. Today, these skills have evolved into hearty, comfort dishes such as the sought-after truffle coddled egg, Asian-inspired steak tartare, and brined roasted pigeon in Maison Es' latest 10th anniversary, Canto-French menu.

Beyond landing her dream job, Esther's love life was also enviable: in 2010, she married textile industrialist and current member of the Legislative Council, Sunny Tan, in Vera Wang, with the blessing of 800-plus guests at the Hong Kong Convention and Exhibition Centre. Four years later, she had her first son, AJ.

Life was picture-perfect: until her mental health crumbled.

Esther doesn't remember much of depression-crippled 2015: it's a time she looks back with regret as she "failed to live up to the role of a mother". Under the doctor's strict orders, she eventually started taking medication, stepped down from her business, took on yoga and found Christianity. Her condition was on the mend; but one thing that still pained Esther was her husband's detachment.

"I was a complete zombie. Taking care of myself every day was my Mount Everest; I had no capacity to be there for my sons," she said. "Sunny would accompany me to the psychiatrist every so often; but in my eyes, he was just an observer to my suffering."

At the beginning of 2017 – when she was well enough to rejoin the restaurant – however, she was happily proven wrong at the annual Tan family assembly, when members would update each other with the latest and newest in their lives.

"In front of 30-plus family members, Sunny broke down into tears and confessed how difficult the past year had been, shouldering my illness and upholding the strong, parental role for our children," she recalled. "I only realised then that my husband wasn't just an observer; he was walking with me, silently, all along."

Though her depression still plagues her now and again, Esther – now a mother of three sons and, as of two years ago, daughter Annabelle – has learned the hard lesson of self-acceptance. Aside from her private kitchen and restaurant, she now channels her energy into charity work, such as cutting hair for elderly in need; teaching everyday recipes and floral arrangement in Sham Shui Po community centres; and, as of late, bringing her family's girls football team – TSL Football Club – to play with inmates at correctional institutions alongside a personal sharing of her battles with depression.

"I believe in bringing ripples of positive change through stories: I wasn't a studious, grade-A student, and I've gone through failures too many to count. If I can manage to stand back up, so can you," she said.